I am reminded of the many people who have traveled through my life over the past sixty-six years. Many have been family, some have been friends. A few were simply acquaintances and most were loved. Each time someone I cared deeply for died, I felt the pangs of grief and loss, mostly for myself. But as I became older, knowing they were now with God, it made the loss turn into joy for them and gave me a loving memory to cherish.
When Mick died last year, the shock was palpable. Although he was in England, I felt the event as if he were right next to me and in a way, he always was, even before we met one another. Through the seizures, the dementia and all the problems in between, Mick and I were always linked and that was by faith. This is the last photo he took - his first and only "selfie." I'm happy to have it now. His countenance changed over the years (as all of ours do) but in this I see many things. I see a man who is struggling with frustration but also a kind, loving man who couldn't quite put all the pieces together. Sometimes we are brought together by God to help one another and this is such an example of God's Grace. For in this, we helped one another throughout our marriage and I see just how necessary love and understanding, plus selflessness can be.
We read in 1 Corinthians 13, v. 4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not boastful, it is not inflated, it is not quick tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong-doing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things,, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." And the last line of this chapter is, "So Faith, Love and Hope remain, these three, and the greatest of these is Love." This quotation is from the Catholic Study Bible.
This verse is read at at weddings and anniversaries and it's so very true. Love should always be gentle but strong and a positive influence in our lives. And it's this gentle spirit which stays with us throughout Eternity. And when someone we love (and who has loved us) passes into the next realm, the love remains forever for both of us.
There are times in our lives when we have had to take care of a loved one with dementia or cancer. The road is often relentless and long, plus there are so many struggles through the illness. As caregivers, we become worn out from the constancy of it. When this journey is over, we often feel drained and unable to cope. Sometimes the emotional pain we feel as we watch a person slip away is too overwhelming for us to bear. Often we repress it and never really deal with it until it becomes our own gnawing cancer which is spreading throughout our heart and our soul. And we try to fix the problem by making wrong choices, such as abuse of alcohol, spinning a revolving door of sex, gambling, smoking, excessive eating - and so many other dangerous choices and we continue doing it over and over again. How can we deal with all this pain without all these things? There is a way.
A pastor speaking on TBN recently said 'our souls need to be nourished, so we should marinate them in the Word of God.' I found that statement quite profound. We become so wrapped up in our own pain and often guilt, we shove these bad choices into the gaping wound left by grief, pack it tightly and try to continue living, but these things darken our souls and eventually fester into a life we never hoped to live and we continue living in sin. But by feeding and nourishing our souls through the Word of God, these life-giving words of Scripture replace the hurt, sadness and guilt of loss we are trying to subvert with negativity. The light of God shines through the darkness of our hearts and souls to bring us the Good News and it helps us to understand the journey doesn't end here. It ends in Heaven and those we love are there, living in Eternal Life through the promises Jesus gave us. By His stripes we have been healed.
There are many times we are judgmental. We pick apart someone because they aren't acting in accordance with our own sensibilities. It's a human failing we all have. I know it's one of my own faults which I am trying (with God's help) to correct. But there are other segments of our emotions which can be gentle, supportive and kind. Many times we have no words to say to someone who has just lost a loved one. Most of the times the words are blurted out of our mouths inappropriately, although we meant them to be kind and gentle - and weren't. 'Oh, I know how you feel', or 'Don't worry, you'll get over it.' There is no time limit on grief and we all handle it individually. The loss of a parent is a different loss than that of a spouse or that of a child. A grandparent feels the loss of a grandchild far differently than the parents do. Nonetheless, it's all grief, sadness and overwhelming pain. What we CAN do for someone is to be kind. Be there to listen. Let this time of support be about them, in their loss and not about you. If the pain is too overwhelming, perhaps professional counseling is needed. There is definitely no shame in this type of help. Because the seed of grief is often planted so deep, it takes someone who knows how to pull the seed out from its darkness and remove it, allowing love to grow in its place. We always have those memories, but we cannot allow the pain to fester and rule our lives. The person we lost wouldn't want us to live in loss, but in love.
The Cycle of Life continues through death and grief. God shows us His Grace through love and understanding. His Word is our guide to help us through this painful chapter of our lives. And by the suffering we have had in our own lives, we can use that to help others. Henri J.M. Nouwen's book, "The Wounded Healer" is a favorite of mine. In it, he tells us we can help others using our own suffering as a guide. Through our own wounds we can help heal others. By simply being there for someone going through grief and loss, listening, not challenging, we offer ourselves as Wounded Healers to help those whose lives have been broken - heal. Come, Holy Spirit.
